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ASBOS

Spoof ASBO - Loud Snoring

Shock your friends by sending them an ASBO! Send either anonymously or reveal your name. They look just like the real thing until closer inspection!

This is a spoof ASBO which has been issued by Noise Reduction Police

Restrictions are as follows:

-You must NOT sleep on your back - EVER. Use sticky tape to fix a golf ball to your back so you won't roll over in the night
-You must NOT drink a quantity of beer sufficient to float a small battleship before flopping into bed
-Your partner is allowed (under the Snoring Act, 2005, Article 42 B, sub section "A") to put a large sock in your mouth (unwashed)
-If the snoring is accompanied by FARTING, your partner is allowed (under the above legislation) to have you carted off and shot

For a period of six months from today

There are 32 different types of spoof ASBOs -send one to all your friends and colleagues!

£1.99 [approx. $2.99]

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Spoof ASBO - Ball Scratcher

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This is a spoof ASBO which has been issued by Inspector Knacker of the Yard

Restrictions are as follows:

-You must NOT scratch your balls in public (inside or outside your pants)
-You must keep your hands away from your crotch area at all times
-You must NOT try to scratch your balls inside your pockets, rummage around re-positioning your bits, pretending to look for small change
-TRY using anti-itching lotion (comes as 'spray-on' or 'ball type')
-If problem persists, see your doctor - as they may have to be surgically removed!

For a period of six months from today

There are 32 different types of spoof ASBOs -send one to all your friends and colleagues!

£1.99 [approx. $2.99]

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Spoof ASBO - Dippy 'Bird Brain'

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This is a spoof ASBO which has been issued by POLICE INTELLIGENCE (oxymoron div.)

Restrictions are as follows:

-You must NOT speak before engaging BRAIN * (* if available)
-You must NOT say ONE stupid thing and then say another - QUIT while you're losing
-DON'T argue with: eight year old kids, blondes or intelligent animals (when it comes to a battle of wits - accept that you're unarmed)
-SMILE because everyone likes you. You're great entertainment value - and 'scatterbrains' are so sweet, don't you think?

For a period of six months from today

There are 32 different types of spoof ASBOs -send one to all your friends and colleagues!

£1.99 [approx. $2.99]

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Spoof ASBO - Being Too Sexually Demanding

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This is a spoof ASBO which has been issued by the PASSION POLICE for BEING TOO SEXUALLY DEMANDING!

Restrictions are as follows:

-You must learn to control yourself (especially in public places),
-Stop talking dirty and groping,
-Stop wearing sleazy clothes,
-Stop bringing every conversation around to sex,
-Stop leering, drooling, lechering and panting,
-Have no less than 3 cold showers a day

For a period of six months from today

There are 32 different types of spoof ASBOs -send one to all your friends and colleagues!

£1.99 [approx. $2.99]

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Spoof ASBO - Having No Dress Sense

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This is a spoof ASBO which has been issued by the FASHION POLICE for HAVING NO DRESS SENSE

Restrictions are as follows:

-You must employ a stylist,
-Get rid of the cheap bling,
-Take a colour blindness test,
-Stop buying clothes from supermarkets, car boot sales and charity shops
-Stop wearing odd socks, stupid hats, flower power tops and big undies

For a period of six months from today

There are 32 different types of spoof ASBOs -send one to all your friends and colleagues!

£1.99 [approx. $2.99]

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Spoof ASBO - Crap Dancing

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This is a spoof ASBO which has been issued by the MINISTRY OF MOVES for CRAP DANCING!

Restrictions are as follows:

You are not allowed to:

-Show up anywhere where there is a dance floor,
-Sway or shuffle your feet, nod your head or click your fingers to music,
-Wear cheap flares, loud tops or cheap jewellery until you've had dancing lessons (preferably not from your dad!)

For a period of six months from today

There are 32 different types of spoof ASBOs -send one to all your friends and colleagues!

£1.99 [approx. $2.99]

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Spoof ASBO - Farting in a Public Place

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This is a spoof ASBO which has been issued by the HEALTH AND SAFETY EXECUTIVE for FARTING IN A PUBLIC PLACE!

Restrictions are as follows:

-You are not allowed to eat beans, prunes or pork scratchings,
-You are not allowed to drink guinness or any heavy beer,
-You must change your underwear 3 times a day,
.....also...NO FARTING ALOUD!

For a period of six months from today

There are 32 different types of spoof ASBOs -send one to all your friends and colleagues!

£1.99 [approx. $2.99]

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Spoof ASBO - Failing to Give Sex on Demand

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This is a spoof ASBO which has been issued by the PASSION POLICE for FAILING TO GIVE SEX ON DEMAND!

Restrictions are as follows:

-You must be ever ready and alert to your partner's promptings
-Wear loose fitting, sexy clothes around the house
-Don't drink too much alcohol (except champagne)
-Be available for romantic dinners
-Never say "no"

For a period of six months from today

There are 32 different types of spoof ASBOs -send one to all your friends and colleagues!

£1.99 [approx. $2.99]

Qty

Spoof ASBO - Awful Taste in Music

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This is a spoof ASBO which has been issued by the TUNES TASK FORCE for AWFUL TASTE IN MUSIC!

Restrictions are as follows:

-You must wear headphones at all times,
-Keep away from the pub juke box,
-Keep your car windows closed and the volume down,
-Stop ranting about weirdo groups and singers,
-Have your ears and club credibility checked,
-Apologise to all your friends who have had to endure too many crap tunes for too long.

For a period of six months from today

There are 32 different types of spoof ASBOs -send one to all your friends and colleagues!

£1.99 [approx. $2.99]

Qty

Spoof ASBO - Sex Pest

Shock your friends by sending them an ASBO! Send either anonymously or reveal your name. They look just like the real thing until closer inspection!

This is a spoof ASBO which has been issued by the SEX RELATIONS BOARD for being a SEX PEST!

Restrictions are as follows:

-You must stop leering, drooling and lechering at member of the opposite sex,
-Stop making suggestive remarks about the size of body parts or that certain people might "go at it like a bunny rabbit on viagra,
-Keep your hands to yourself when in company,
-Stop telling filthy jokes, - unless they're funny,
-Only harass those who will appreciate it.

For a period of six months from today

There are 32 different types of spoof ASBOs -send one to all your friends and colleagues!

£1.99 [approx. $2.99]

Qty

Spoof ASBO - Binge Drinker

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This is a spoof ASBO which has been issued by the MINISTRY FOR ALCOHOLICS for being a BINGE DRINKER!

Restrictions are as follows:

-Stop all drinking between breakfast and morning coffee break,
-Lay off the rough cider, meths and nail varnish remover,
-Keep away from other heavy drinkers (your mates),
-Pin a note to your chest before you pass out, saying, "I don't live in this gutter, - please take me to a hotel and buy me a drink".

For a period of six months from today

There are 32 different types of spoof ASBOs -send one to all your friends and colleagues!

£1.99 [approx. $2.99]

Qty

Spoof ASBO - Bad Haircut

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This is a spoof ASBO which has been issued by the FASHION POLICE (HEAD office) for being a BAD HAIRCUT!

Restrictions are as follows:

-Wear a hat - even in bed,
-Don't go out in daylight - (in case you frighten animals and small children),
-Hide all your mirrors - (in case you frighten yourself!)
-Put a contract out on your hairdresser,
-No more D.I.Y, - lock up your scissors,
-Leave the country for 6 months

For a period of six months from today

There are 32 different types of spoof ASBOs -send one to all your friends and colleagues!

£1.99 [approx. $2.99]

Qty

Spoof ASBO - Terrible Joke telling

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This is a spoof ASBO which has been issued by the COMEDY COPS for TERRIBLE JOKE TELLING!

Restrictions are as follows:

-Don't say "have you heard it", just before the punch line,
-Don't attempt jokes when you're drunk (or sober),
-You are only allowed out in public when you can stop repeating the same old joke, laughing in the wrong places, forgetting the punch line (and the story line) and falling about laughing at your (imagined) fantastic stories.

As a stand up comedian you should sit down more often.

For a period of six months from today

There are 32 different types of spoof ASBOs -send one to all your friends and colleagues!

£1.99 [approx. $2.99]

Qty

Spoof ASBO - Being Boring

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This is a spoof ASBO which has been issued by the THOUGHT POLICE for BEING BORING!

Restrictions are as follows:

-You are not allowed to bore your friends by repeating old stories, talking about work or what you did on holiday.
-Subjects to be avoided: football, golf, skiing, wine, cheap flights, how you stopped smoking, price of your house, your kids, price of fish, etc.
-You are not allowed to show any home videos or photo albums,
-You must at least pause for breath when people glaze over, throw themselves out of windows, under buses or become stiff.

For a period of six months from today

There are 32 different types of spoof ASBOs -send one to all your friends and colleagues!

£1.99 [approx. $2.99]

Qty

Spoof ASBO - Swearing

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This is a spoof ASBO which has been issued by the COMMISSIONER FOR OATHS for SWEARING!

Restrictions are as follows:

You are a f***ing foul mouthed son of a b**ch motherf****ng b***ard and you must not use bad language in front of friends, family and strangers (not even bum, bugger, potty, poo or pants) and you must NOT use the word "sh*t" repeatedly when any small problem comes your way. You will be charged £1 for every f***ing swear word you say.

For a period of six months from today

There are 32 different types of spoof ASBOs -send one to all your friends and colleagues!

£1.99 [approx. $2.99]

Qty

Spoof ASBO - Slob

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This is a spoof ASBO which has been issued by the SOFA SPUD SQUAD for being a SLOB!

Restrictions are as follows:

You are not allowed to sit on a couch, eat food in front of the telly, wear track suit bottoms, allow bread crumbs to collect in you belly button, fall asleep in the armchair or break wind in front of your friends and family. You must wash at least once a week including the back of your neck and your private parts and you must clear out beer cans and pizza boxes and change your underwear once a month.

For a period of six months from today

There are 32 different types of spoof ASBOs -send one to all your friends and colleagues!

£1.99 [approx. $2.99]

Qty

Spoof ASBO - Stinking of Booze on Monday Mornings

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This is a spoof ASBO which has been issued by the DOG BREATH POLICE for STINKING OF BOOZE ON MONDAY MORNINGS!

Restrictions are as follows:

You must drink nothing stronger than vodka on Sunday night. You will clean your teeth 14 times on Monday morning before arriving at work. You will not breathe on your work mates or invade their space. You will not eat pickles, onions, gherkins or garlic on Monday lunch time. Your colleagues reserve the right to make you wear a face mask for the first few working hours on Monday morning.

For a period of six months from today

There are 32 different types of spoof ASBOs -send one to all your friends and colleagues!

£1.99 [approx. $2.99]

Qty

Spoof ASBO - Not Buying Your Round

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This is a spoof ASBO which has been issued by the TIGHT WAD WATCH for NOT BUYING YOUR ROUND!

Restrictions are as follows:

You will always be the first person to go to the bar. You will not go to the toilet, come over faint, recognise an old friend at the other end of the bar, disappear or die when it's your round. The usual excuses of wallet in other trousers, waiting to pick up bet winnings, you were mugged on way to pub, "I'm not drinking tonight", bar man won't change a £50 note, kids need shoes, wage delayed, etc., etc. will no longer stand up.

For a period of six months from today

There are 32 different types of spoof ASBOs -send one to all your friends and colleagues!

£1.99 [approx. $2.99]

Qty

Spoof ASBO - Write Your Own

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This is a spoof ASBO which has been issued by the WRITE YOUR OWN for WRITE YOUR OWN

Restrictions are as follows:

WRITE YOUR OWN

For a period of six months from today

There are 32 different types of spoof ASBOs -send one to all your friends and colleagues!

£1.99 [approx. $2.99]

Qty

Spoof ASBO - Politically Incorrect

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This is a spoof ASBO which has been issued by P.C. BRIGADE!

Restrictions are as follows:

You must Not refer groups of people by stereotypical nicknames.
This includes; Brit's, Jock's, Paddy's, Taffy's, Yorkshire Pudding's, Scouser's, Geordie's, Brummies, Cockney's, Numpty Northerner's and Softy Southerners.

It is NOT clever to refer to your work colleagues in terms of the size of their body parts and what you would like to do to them with a bottle of chocolate sauce in the back of a mini.

Fat, Thin, Tall, Small, Old, Stupid, Drunk, Lecherous, Blonde, Ugly, Spotty, Snotty and Boring people deserve to be respected (but not necessarily today)

For a period of six months from today

There are 32 different types of spoof ASBOs -send one to all your friends and colleagues!

£1.99 [approx. $2.99]

Qty

Spoof ASBO - Clever Dick

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This is a spoof ASBO which has been issued by the SMARTARSE COPS for being a CLEVER DICK

Restrictions are as follows:
-You must not bore us all with facts and figures even if you are right.
-If we want to know something we'll ask Jeeves - not you!
-You may be cleverer, more educated, smarter, wittier, wiser, fitter, more skilful, more talented, better looking and richer, - but that doesn't make you BETTER! (Or does it??).
-The ability to talk at length on any subject at any time without pause for breath is not conducive to polite conversation.
In other words, - ..........SHUT THE **** UP!

For a period of six months from today

There are 32 different types of spoof ASBOs -send one to all your friends and colleagues!

£1.99 [approx. $2.99]

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Spoof ASBO - Being a BITCH

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This is a spoof ASBO which has been issued by BITCH WATCH for being BITCHY.

Restrictions are as follows:
- YOU MUST not make snide remarks about friends and acquaintances behind their back; - including the size of their bums, the persons they sleep with, how they should bring up children, how much they drink, how much they eat, what they eat, when they eat; if they have HAD a boob job or surgery, if they NEED a boob job or surgery , how they dress, wear their hair and how much they earn and how clean their kitchen is.
- Please refrain from using the expressions; ‘silly tart’, ‘stupid cow’, ‘rich bitch’, ‘fur coat - no knickers’, ‘mutton dressed as lamb’, etc., etc.

For a period of six months from today

There are 32 different types of spoof ASBOs -send one to all your friends and colleagues!

£1.99 [approx. $2.99]

Qty

Spoof ASBO - Work Shy

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This is a spoof ASBO which has been issued by SHIRKER SQUAD!

Restrictions are as follows:

It has come to the attention of the authorities that you have a severe reaction to any form of work. This takes the form of prolonged disappearances from the place of work, looking busy whilst doing nothing and falling asleep on the job.

Recommendations: When you fall asleep at work, try not to fall over, otherwise you may wake some of your colleagues. Set your alarm for 5PM so you are not sleeping in your own time.

For a period of six months from today

There are 32 different types of spoof ASBOs -send one to all your friends and colleagues!

£1.99 [approx. $2.99]

Qty

Spoof ASBO - Smoking a Lot

Shock your friends by sending them an ASBO! Send either anonymously or reveal your name. They look just like the real thing until closer inspection!

This is a spoof ASBO which has been issued by DEPARTMENT OF THE ENVIRONMENT for SMOKING A LOT.

Restrictions are as follows:
The fact that you are a foul-smelling, ash-tray mouthed, pollution spreading, anti-social, nicotine poisoned chimney breath with yellow fingers, leather lungs and holes in your clothes, doesn't mean you're all bad!
Give it a rest. Take patches, get hypnotized, sew your mouth up or do whatever is necessary to reduce global warming from the mountain of fags you choke on every day. You must STOP NOW.

For a period of six months from today

There are 32 different types of spoof ASBOs -send one to all your friends and colleagues!

£1.99 [approx. $2.99]

Qty

Spoof ASBO - Filthy Car

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This is a spoof ASBO which has been issued by Grime Scene Investigators.

Restrictions are as follows:

You must STOP using your car like a mobile dustbin, filling every available hole, compartment and shelf with rubbish. When the floor and underneath the seats are full try finding a bin.

Be aware of the dangers of not being able to find the pedals. DON'T hang ridiculous furry items from your mirror and DON'T cover your back window with stickers.

For the carpet of banana skins, apple cores, half eaten noodle pots and lumps of pizza - buy a pet rat to live in your car and eat your leftovers.

For a period of six months from today

There are 32 different types of spoof ASBOs -send one to all your friends and colleagues!

£1.99 [approx. $2.99]

Qty

Spoof ASBO - Crap Driver

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This is a spoof ASBO which has been issued by BYWAY PATROL for CRAP DRIVING.

Restrictions are as follows:
You must stop driving like a mad person behind the wheel.
You must NOT race through lights that have changed to red, drive or park on the pavement or reverse on the motorway slip road.
You must not race up to speed cameras - slow to 30 m.p.h. for a few yards - then race off again.
You must also learn to control your road rage and keep your middle fingers on the wheel.

For a period of six months from today

There are 32 different types of spoof ASBOs -send one to all your friends and colleagues!

£1.99 [approx. $2.99]

Qty

Spoof ASBO - Hypochondriac

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This is a spoof ASBO which has been issued by SICKY SQUAD for being a HYPOCHONDRIAC.

Restrictions are as follows:
You must stop blubbering on about your bad cold, feelings of nausea, possible terminal illnesses and feelings of impending bodily malfunction.
You must stop using imaginary illnesses as an excuse for time off, not going out, having sex or seeing your friends.
You may not visit the doctor, check out symptoms on the internet or even so much as speak to anyone about your problems.

For a period of six months from today

There are 32 different types of spoof ASBOs -send one to all your friends and colleagues!

£1.99 [approx. $2.99]

Qty

Spoof ASBO - Farting in Bed

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This is a spoof ASBO which has been issued by SUFFOCATION SQUAD for FARTING IN BED.

Restrictions are as follows:
You must sleep by the (open) window with your backside pointing away from your partner.
You must avoid laughing or coughing and refrain from all amorous activities which may bring on an attack.
You must leave the room, out of ear shot, if you feel a rumble coming on.
You must NEVER fart during intercourse or pull the covers over your partner's face after an "incident".

For a period of six months from today

There are 32 different types of spoof ASBOs -send one to all your friends and colleagues!

£1.99 [approx. $2.99]

Qty

Spoof ASBO - Playing Too Much Golf

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This is a spoof ASBO which has been issued by LEISURE POLICE for PLAYING TOO MUCH GOLF.

Restrictions are as follows:
You must not disappear every Saturday and Sunday morning and not return until after dark, sneak off work at every opportunity and cancel appointments, family meetings, trips and holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, births, deaths, weddings and Bar Mitzvahs for the pursuit of your obsession, - GOLF.
You must hand in your golf clubs and membership pass to your partner who will allow you to play 1 round a week.

For a period of six months from today

There are 32 different types of spoof ASBOs -send one to all your friends and colleagues!

£1.99 [approx. $2.99]

Qty

Spoof ASBO - Talking Crap

Shock your friends by sending them an ASBO! Send either anonymously or reveal your name. They look just like the real thing until closer inspection!

This is a spoof ASBO which has been issued by the DEPARTMENT OF DRIVEL for TALKING CRAP!

Restrictions are as follows:

-Stop talking absolute tripe when in polite company,
-Your view on politics, religion, the opposite sex, old people, animals, babies, bodily functions, who's sleeping with who and the price of fish may not always be appreciated by your long suffering family and friends,
-Even though you are sometimes right (but not often!) you must NOT give an opinion on anything or any one.

For a period of six months from today

There are 32 different types of spoof ASBOs -send one to all your friends and colleagues!

£1.99 [approx. $2.99]

Qty

Spoof ASBO - Shopaholic

Shock your friends by sending them an ASBO! Send either anonymously or reveal your name. They look just like the real thing until closer inspection!

This is a spoof ASBO which has been issued by the SERIOUS SPENDING SQUAD for being a SHOPAHOLIC!

Restrictions are as follows:

-You must forthwith STOP all spending, shopping, trying on clothes, looking at fashion magazines, buying on the internet and looking in shop windows,
-You are banned from High Streets, Shopping Centres, - in fact, you are not allowed out during shop opening hours,
-How many shoes / handbags do you need? How big do you think your wardrobe is? Please hand over your credit cards to a responsible friend,
-From today you are not allowed to buy ANYTHING whatsoever..

For a period of six months from today

There are 32 different types of spoof ASBOs -send one to all your friends and colleagues!

£1.99 [approx. $2.99]

Qty

Spoof ASBO - Arguing Politics

Shock your friends by sending them an ASBO! Send either anonymously or reveal your name. They look just like the real thing until closer inspection!

This is a spoof ASBO which has been issued by THE THOUGHT POLICE for ARGUING POLITICS!

Restrictions are as follows:

-You must NOT criticise the policies of our trusted leaders,
-Even if you CAN run the country better, you must not say so in public houses, gambling joints, massage parlours or other places where noble leaders gather.
-The mental health of those who disagree with you and whether those in power have fathers or not is no longer permissible in debate and a new "ism" to outlaw this is currently being drafted.

For a period of six months from today

There are 32 different types of spoof ASBOs -send one to all your friends and colleagues!

£1.99 [approx. $2.99]

Qty

Spoof ASBO - Old Fart

Shock your friends by sending them an ASBO! Send either anonymously or reveal your name. They look just like the real thing until closer inspection!

This is a spoof ASBO which has been issued by the GREY PEST CONTROL for being an OLD FART!

Restrictions are as follows:

-Stop grumbling about the weather, the young generation, the state of the country, loud music, the price of beer, lack of respect and how hard it is to work TV's, Videos and DVD players,
-Stop wearing clothes with holes, sleeping in your coat to keep warm and you MUST change your underwear at least once a month,
-You must stop losing your: Glasses, Keys, False Teeth, Money, Buss Pass, Pants, TV zapper, Car and Marbles.

For a period of six months from today

There are 32 different types of spoof ASBOs -send one to all your friends and colleagues!

Specifications

Grey specimen box is removed from purchased item.

Dimensions:

A4 ASBO
Standard Envelope

£1.99 [approx. $2.99]

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